Tools explained

[TheeMc]

I am particularly familier with the "dam-it" tool....

M


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh — ‘

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, predictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yellingm ‘DAMM-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[rjewkes]

long toime no see Thee, how you doing brother? Hows the back?

[TheeMc]

Ahh, I'm doin alright, thanks for askin. I even got to go and see the Kaptn's 68 and Bump-bus not long ago....kinda a whirlwind visit, but was cool to get to see his stuff finaly. And got to play a sweet Les Paul custom....he surly lives in a cool part of the world...saw several bumps out there...

M

[kaptnkaos]

Hey Bro,

That's stinkin' funny right there... and ya know I have used every single one of those tools... even have a few of them myself.
You did forget one...
The tire iron.. used to bust out the windows of '68 GTO's when the starter won't hit a lick after spending half the night in the freezing cold rebuilding the starter and getting it reinstalled...

Long time no see, glad to hear yer doin ok... I haven't filled you in on the latest doctor's report...
Tuesday, I went to ear, nose and throat specialist at Group Health...
Now, he wants me to have my head examined... wwwwuuuuzzzzuuuupppppwwwwiiittttdddaaattt ???
He set me up an appointment to have a CT scan of my noggin... I told him they wouldn't find anything...

KaptnKA S

[TheeMc]

"The tire iron.. used to bust out the windows of '68 GTO's "

That would be the "S.O.B" tool, a close cousin to the "Dammit" tool we are all so familier with......

"CT scan of my noggin... I told him they wouldn't find anything..."

If they need any verification on that have them give me a call....

M

(Glad to hear they are working on a solution)

[rjewkes]

the S.o.b. is also used when you mistakenly lock the doors on a '77 nova engine running and cousins baby in car seat.

hopefully they do find what ails ya Kapt'n. Thee to your continued health(especialy should it atleast stay decent or get better )

[ToughOldFord]

Hey, I have most of those tools! And they do their jobs well.
I might add that the 'UTILITY KNIFE' also slices fingers very well.

[GSequoia]

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Isn't it amazing how strong a single 1/4" bolt can be at times?

[cep62]

Isn't it amazing how strong a single 1/4" bolt can be at times?

Actually it's amazing how strong a fuel line is or just some wires.

[Negative]

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

I think this needs a " * See Wrench "

Then under WRENCH: A solid device used as a make-shift hammer. *Used in unison with the straight screwdriver to create a casual, yet messy, oil filter removal tool.

[bb429power]

sure, the fuel lines can be strong when your going to replace then, but when your putting the new one's on they become fragile and twist while tightening them.

[dssco]

Inline flare wrench, used to round off the corners of fuel and brake lines so that vise grips and line replacement are required.
TORX bit, designed to round out the pretty star on the inside of fasteners on Jeeps and late model vehicles. Also used to smash fingers and knuckles when they break.
Sandblaster, used to burn up your average household air compressor, also good for distributing sand all over your and the neighbors property.
Metal work light gaurd, used as a primitive branding iron on the arms of tired home mechanics late at night, emits a nice "sizzle" sound if you're sweaty.

[GHOST]

the crawler- used to hide the nuts and bolts you need to finish..
3/8 in rachet- used to repeatedly smash your fingers and knuckles against the fire wall while you try to remove the nut/bolt.

[cozadlance2]

the ohFu@&! - used to snap bolts on exhaust manifolds. also called breaker bar.

[basketcase0302]

kaptnkaos on Thu Apr 23, 2009 8:47 pm
Hey Bro,

That's stinkin' funny right there... and ya know I have used every single one of those tools... even have a few of them myself.
You did forget one...
The tire iron.. used to bust out the windows of '68 GTO's when the starter won't hit a lick after spending half the night in the freezing cold rebuilding the starter and getting it reinstalled...

Long time no see, glad to hear yer doin ok... I haven't filled you in on the latest doctor's report...
Tuesday, I went to ear, nose and throat specialist at Group Health...
Now, he wants me to have my head examined... wwwwuuuuzzzzuuuupppppwwwwiiittttdddaaattt ???
He set me up an appointment to have a CT scan of my noggin... I told him they wouldn't find anything...

KaptnKA S

God Bless ya' Alan, much better place than we are...